While these new matters could also be related or reliable in their very own right, they sidestep the instant issue. As a outcome, the unique downside remains unresolved, typically changed with the airing of latest disagreements. This cycle perpetuates the sensation in some partners that ‘issues are never resolved’ and ‘we can’t talk about anything’. Deflection is a standard psychological protection mechanism used to evade tough conversations or uncomfortable conditions. In this text, we will delve into the meaning of deflection, its influence on mental health, and supply strategies for responding when someone uses this coping mechanism. Additionally, defensiveness requires lots of power to maintain.
Other strategies like compromise, empathy, and taking a break when issues get too heated also can enhance the effectiveness of “I” statements. The objective is to discover a solution together, not just “win” the argument. Don’t tack on accusations or passive-aggressive comments afterward.
For example, saying, “I really feel such as you don’t care about me,” still places the focus on the other person’s actions and can come throughout as accusatory. Instead, say something like, “I feel damage once I don’t feel supported.” The key’s to precise your emotions with out pointing fingers. I statements scale back that knee-jerk defensiveness by preserving the dialog focused on how you’re feeling, not on what the opposite individual did wrong. This shift in tone helps to keep the conversation productive quite than confrontational. It shows the opposite individual that you’re not blaming them but merely expressing your own emotions. Studies have shown that blame will increase defensiveness and might even create a cycle of conflict the place each people really feel like they’ve to protect themselves.
That’s okay- as long as you know your limits, and categorical those to your partner accordingly. Take the time you need to have the ability to actually process and consider what they advised you, even when nothing has been resolved thus far. You can return to the conversation after you have regarded their points and might reply to them with a clearer thoughts. Accessibility, Responsiveness and Engagement are three very important features of a secure bond that characterizes mutually satisfying relationships, according to Dr. Sue Johnson. Your partner was harm because of their perception of one thing you stated or did.
It makes others feel unheard or blamed instead of understood. This often creates frustration or emotional distance in relationships. These strong feelings activate defense mechanisms like silent treatment or citing unrelated issues as an alternative of solving problems calmly. In the case of defensiveness, the emotion that urges you to behave defensively is frustration, feeling damage, attacked, angry, irritated. Take observe of when you’re more than likely to feel defensive, and then try to keep away from those situations or individuals.
Those with fragile vanity might discover themselves more susceptible to defensiveness, as they have a greater want to protect their susceptible self-image. It’s like strolling on eggshells, where each interaction turns into a potential minefield threatening to crack their delicate sense of self-worth. Common triggers for defensive reactions can vary widely from individual to individual. The underlying thread, however, is commonly a perceived threat to one’s self-esteem or sense of safety.
To overcome the tendency to deflect, it’s important to become aware of this conduct and ponder why addressing the issue immediately was uncomfortable. Focus on actionable steps that each companions comply with undertake. Instead of specializing in what’s mistaken, discuss what can be improved and how one can work collectively to attain it. This approach fosters a problem-solving mindset somewhat than a problem-focused one. To handle this, it is essential to determine and acknowledge these childhood wounds.
John Gottman chose the time period The Four Horsemen as a way to illustrate that there are four dangerous forms of communication in our relationships. Just as the story of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are used to signal “the finish of times”, these 4 unhealthy communication patterns can sign the tip of a relationship if left unchecked. They create a cascade of negativity that erodes the inspiration of trust and respect in relationships. Once you’ve had time to cool off, re-engage in the dialog with a renewed focus on finding common floor and attaining a decision. Taking a break when needed can prevent the argument from becoming private or hurtful and as a substitute work towards a extra productive and respectful dialog. By acknowledging and specializing in these areas of settlement, you can create a more productive and less confrontational dialog.
These statements permit people to express their feelings and thoughts without assigning blame, fostering a more open and understanding dialogue. Some months again, when my colleagues and I have been having a celebratory dinner at a restaurant, I observed a pair who had simply arrived but unfortunately had missed their reservation. The girl started to complain about how the man was the reason they missed their reservation and the way he forgot the time. I was worried they might go into a full argument mode when all of a sudden the lady modified her strategy to the dialog. Instead of complaining about how her associate was forgetful, she mentioned, “I really feel hurt and disappointed when our plans fall through. It makes me feel like my time isn’t valued.” This seemed to have struck a chord in the man’s heart, his reactions modified immediately, and he apologized.
It teaches you to accept what’s taking place right nowwithout rapid judgments or reactions. It’s very tough to undergo life with out encountering battle at some point. People are various, and everyone has one thing they consider in passionately or really feel strongly about. Conflict develops when opposing beliefs or opinions exist in a given situation. It implies greater than mutual disagreement; conflict suggests a number of parties involved really feel the opposition is unacceptable, leading to sturdy clashes between people or even teams. Techniques like practicing mindfulness, being aware of physique language, and understanding when to walk away from the situation might help scale back battle.
For instance, if a pal cancels plans on the final minute, as an alternative of getting indignant, attempt to consider what might be going on in their life. Maybe they’re overwhelmed or dealing with something private. By showing empathy, you strengthen your relationship as an alternative of creating conflict. Sometimes, regardless of how hard you strive, the opposite individual simply isn’t able to have a productive conversation. This doesn’t imply you’re giving up—it simply means you’re selecting not to engage in a pointless argument.
Many folks turn out to be defensive when they are being criticized, but the issue is that its perceived effect is blame. It is usually a counterattack to a criticism, which is not criticism. If the causes of tension aren’t acknowledged and addressed, they rapidly flip into unhealthy relationship dynamics.
This coping strategy could make the opposite partner feel rejected and alone, which may intensify the argument. When individuals speak about feeling defensive it usually refers to how we feel emotionally after someone criticizes us (or we understand that they’re being critical). It usually entails a group of emotions, including sad, harm, ashamed, and often angry. Defensiveness is a coping technique the place we attack one other individual so as to shift focus away from our own faults and insecurities. The key to being much less defensive in your relationships is studying how defensiveness actually works and tips on how to manage it in a healthy way. There are two subjective sides to each argument, and each has validity.
People might need good intentions behind the words they’re talking to you and their aim won’t be to win, after all. When you’re taking some minor time to settle down and put everything in perspective, you’ll be able to respond in a way that is best for either side. People who criticize you on a daily basis or with out cause need to be approached in a defensive method. But, as is the case with professors who merely need you to be taught higher, their criticism will mostly be in your benefit.
You should differentiate the current concern in your relationship from your view of your relationship overall. What you suppose, even to yourself, significantly impacts how you treat your partner. It heightens negativity and prevents companions from accessing humor, affection, and the power to pay attention and empathize with each other.
This can help to prevent the conversation from derailing and permit for a extra productive discussion. By understanding the values and beliefs of your viewers, you’ll find a way to tailor your argument in a way that resonates with them and speaks to their issues. This not only will increase the chance that they will be persuaded by your argument, but additionally helps to build belief and rapport along with your audience, which can be invaluable in future interactions.
Defensiveness is a frequent reaction in relationships, affecting how we communicate and resolve conflicts. By saying that she believes that Mike wasn’t making an attempt to create a problem, however that things simply went incorrect, she shall be ready to ease his feeling of being attacked, judged, or disliked. The main cause individuals get defensive or offended is that they feel attacked. In my battle management course, I share a bunch of techniques that help us cut back the likelihood that this will happen within the first place.
Instead, your focus is simply focused on the perceived attack, which you wish to attempt to counteract. The use of material found at skillsyouneed.com is free provided that copyright is acknowledged and a reference or hyperlink is included to the page/s the place the knowledge was found. Material from skillsyouneed.com will not be bought, or printed for revenue in any type with out specific written permission from skillsyouneed.com. The key to responding to criticism with grace is assertiveness. If somebody is taking time to say something, there’s a purpose. It may just be that they prefer to complain, and also you had been within the room.
Through sensible tips and techniques, we’ll discover the method to confidently articulate your thoughts, keep targeted on the problem at hand, and successfully counter opposing views. Use nonjudgmental language to avoid making others feel attacked. ” as an alternative of “You never do this proper.” This keeps the tone calm and constructive. These small steps enhance communication abilities over time and stop defensive reactions from controlling you. If someone makes you’re feeling ashamed or judged, you would possibly act defensively to protect your self. One of the commonest causes couples and households give me for coming to remedy is communication issues.
Stop instantly arising with a counterdefense in your mind. You’ll be higher outfitted to take heed to and course of the presented information with out placing your personal adverse spin on the speaker’s intent. Defensiveness is often a response to a narrative we’ve created in our minds about how another individual will respond or what they might say with out even listening to them.
First, it’s important to acknowledge when a dialogue becomes too intense or emotionally charged, as this can bring you to a breakdown in both communication and understanding. Instead, try to use concrete examples and proof to assist your place. This strategy may help you stay centered on the difficulty at hand and prevent the argument from devolving into a personal assault. Sticking to the information and avoiding making assumptions or using generalizations is crucial in any argument. When emotions run excessive, it’s simple to leap to conclusions or make sweeping statements, however doing so can derail the conversation and make finding a resolution more difficult.
Relationships thrive when each people feel heard and understood. By training “I” statements regularly, you encourage open dialogue and reduce the probabilities of small arguments turning into big, hurtful fights. Using “I” statements can change the finest way individuals respond throughout heated discussions. ” attempt saying, “I feel ignored when you don’t hear what I’m saying.” Studies present that people react extra calmly once they don’t feel attacked. When someone feels attacked, their pure reaction is to get defensive, which solely makes the battle worse.
Avoiding arguments isn’t about avoiding conflict altogether—it’s about handling disagreements in a means that strengthens relationships as a substitute of damaging them. By listening, staying calm, and specializing in understanding, you can specific your viewpoint without alienating others. Remember, the goal isn’t to “win” the conversation—it’s to build belief and connection. So the subsequent time you end up in a heated dialogue, take a step again and examine out these methods.
While humor is often a healthy coping mechanism, it’s important to recognize when it’s used to avoid trustworthy communication. Gently encourage the person to share their thoughts and feelings in a more direct method. Empathy helps you perceive others’ emotions without judgment. When somebody feels heard, they might decrease their defensive reactions. This can lead to higher communication expertise and less battle. Handling a defensive associate requires persistence, understanding, and efficient communication strategies.
After implementing these strategies, you’ll see them more receptive and keen to engage in building intimacy. Shifting the dialog towards discovering options rather than assigning blame encourages teamwork. Collaboratively identifying ways to handle the problem reinforces the partnership and demonstrates a dedication to resolving conflicts constructively.
By working towards openness, accountability, and empathy, you can create a “defense-free zone” the place both of you feel protected to express your emotions. Humility entails an correct notion of both strengths and weaknesses. Admitting that you are often mistaken makes it easier to be wrong, as a result of it’s much less sudden to be wrong. In the 21st century, most people’s lives are made possible by interdependence. From an evolutionary perspective, people have helped clear up collective problems and made it easier for us all to survive collectively via the division of labor. And as we’ve turn into more specialized, we realized that we’re not capable of do all of it; there are things we’re good at and areas where we’re lacking.
Therefore, when your associate criticizes you, there’s something important she or he is making an attempt to let you know. Even if you really feel like your persona is being attacked, look for the kernel of truth inside your partner’s statement. The four horsemen are Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. If you wish to discover ways to cease being defensive in your marriage or relationship, you might be in all probability feeling attacked, blamed, or criticized. They travel together like an old married couple who are bickering twenty-four-seven. The single commonest communication pattern in relationships is the attack/defend cycle.
When you blame someone, they immediately feel the need to defend themselves. Think in regards to the final time somebody blamed you for something—did it make you’re feeling like fixing the problem, or did it make you dig your heels in and defend your side? Blame shuts down productive conversation and shifts the major target from fixing the problem to proving who’s right. While defensive behaviors would possibly help you to really feel higher in the short term, in the long run they typically result in your relationships suffering and also you feeling worse. Defensiveness is like scoring towards your own team—it only hurts you both.
Instead of addressing the superficial attack, you may want to tackle the underlying trigger immediately. That struggle was 90% of his making and all as a result of he used defensiveness when he should have owned up to his mistake. Instead of admitting fault and mistake, he tries to clear himself by counter-blaming. When we are saying “it’s not my fault” the effect is that of communicating that “it’s not my fault as a end result of it’s your fault“. As per John Gottman’s research, when the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse engulf a relationship, divorce ensues greater than 90% of the time.
Honing these skills may help you throughout many different life experiences, from household interactions and romantic partnerships to skilled work relationships. Conflict resolution is important, nonetheless, as a outcome of it promotes the establishment of deeper, meaningful relationships with those round you. Learning battle decision abilities lets you have interaction respectfully with others, which in turn promotes a sense of trust — even whenever you don’t see eye-to-eye. Felix Prasetyo is the founder and publisher at Lifengoal, covering relationships, social skills, and personal progress.
Since we people generally don’t prefer to be criticized or disliked, the widespread response is to fight it. To try to both avoid it by refusing to continue the dialog, or to persuade the other person who they’re mistaken. Usually by aggressively – or at least adamantly – disagreeing with it. In my course about battle administration I talk about how we are able to attempt to avoid defensiveness from taking place in the first place. But even when we do everything accurately, we can’t guarantee that the opposite individual will not react defensively. As we navigate the complex terrain of our psychological defenses, it’s necessary to keep in thoughts that the goal isn’t to get rid of all defensiveness.
When you do not hear, you wouldn’t have a constructive dialog because all you need to do is respond. Take the time to put your self in someone else’s footwear and try to understand why they think, act, behave, and talk the way they do. It’s solely after we do our best to see life the way the next individual sees it that we start to see different views of the arguments. So, the next time you are feeling attacked, assess the scenario honestly. A good concept to do that is to ask honest inquiries to the person you are feeling is attacking you. Before we discuss the means to cease being defensive and argumentative let’s quickly speak about why you’re feeling attacked.
Stories abound of individuals who, after committing to self-improvement, discovered their relationships transformed. They turned extra empathetic, better listeners, and sure, less defensive. You know you’re coping with defensiveness in your relationship when every dialog feels like a battlefield. Defensive speech patterns include deflecting blame, interrupting, and utilizing “always” or “never” statements. While it’d really feel like you’re clarifying your thoughts or intentions, JED can truly create unnecessary pressure, particularly in your most necessary relationships.
When we’re in a defensive state, we’re not really listening to the other person. Instead, we’re busy formulating our counterarguments or justifications. This breakdown in communication can lead to frustration, resentment, and a growing emotional distance between folks.
A partner who is continually defensive may come throughout as uncaring or dismissive, even if that’s not their intention. The influence of continual defensiveness on relationships and personal growth could be profound. It can create a barrier to intimacy in personal relationships, hinder professional growth, and stop the sort of self-reflection essential for private development. Signs of being caught in protection mode can include persistent emotions of being under assault, problem accepting criticism, and a tendency to deflect blame onto others. It’s as if the individual is continually on high alert, ready to fend off any perceived menace to their vanity.
Start by expressing yourself by naming the emotion you are feeling when your partner does x; then, articulate how your associate can meet your wants. By doing this, you’re expressing your emotions and providing an answer to the issue versus outright criticizing your partner for both not doing something or doing something incorrect. Ensure you’re not famished, exhausted, or feeling underneath the weather before the conversation.
A phrase like this one reassures them that you’re still on the identical aspect, and that you just need to work with them to make everything higher. A life wealthy in significant connections, self-understanding, and the courage to be authentically ourselves? By mastering our defensive emotions, we take a big step towards that objective. Your associate may have reassurance that citing tough matters won’t result in criticism or a heated trade. Make it clear that your objective is to grasp one another and find options, not to “win” the argument.
Natasha MacFarlane is a author, blogger, and psychological well being advocate. After being identified in her 20’s with bipolar dysfunction, Natasha has labored tirelessly to coach others’, culivate neighborhood, and share her experiences to ensure no one ever feels alone. In doing so, Natasha has two self-published poetry books exploring some of her darkest instances, 2 blogs, and an Instagram neighborhood that has grown exponentially in it’s solely 6 months of being round. When Natasha isn’t writing, you can find her strolling in nature along with her toes within the grass, listening to her favorite true crime podcasts or enjoying soccer along with her three kids. Natasha enjoys a slower pace of life in a small rural Manitoba city together with her husband three children and is fueled by her ardour for words. Knowing when to stop is crucial in defending your self during an argument.
If you act or communicate as if you’re superior to your associate, you’re prone to convey contempt. Words or actions that present contempt for your partner might be interpreted as disrespectful. If you’re sarcastic, resort to name-calling, roll your eyes, or mock your companion, you’re performing with contempt.
For others, it might stem from perfectionistic tendencies, disgrace, or maybe a deep concern of disappointing someone they love. In every disagreement or battle, we run the danger of one or each side turning into defensive or offended. Even when what’s being stated wasn’t meant to attack or criticize. And when that occurs, it tends to be very hard to have an open and solution-focused dialog. Recognizing that you’re becoming defensive is an integral part to overcoming defensiveness.
Sticking to the current matter prevents the dialog from changing into overwhelming. Introducing previous grievances can derail the dialogue and hinder decision. Addressing one issue at a time ensures clarity and focus, making it simpler to find options. Of course, that’s simpler said than done, however if you wish to level up your state of emotional consciousness, then that is huge.
But what if I informed you that the shield we hastily grab not only blocks out the potential slings and arrows but in addition priceless insights and alternatives for growth? Apps like Vuln Love offer every day practices to construct emotional resilience and communication expertise. Defensiveness is commonly a fear response, not an request for forgiveness. ” when requested to assist with chores may feel insufficient, not guilty.
Many therapists suggest utilizing the STOPP train in conjunction with deep breathing. STOPP is an easy, yet efficient mindfulness approach that’s generally practiced in cognitive behavioral therapy. I used to feel the have to be defensive and didn’t care to know what triggered that response. Defensiveness is usually a pure response that stems from components corresponding to concern, ego, or a want to show ourselves right.
The Harvard Business Review also recommends appearing as a “plusser.” This term can imply listening to the opposite particular person’s words and constructing on them. You would possibly ask what they suppose the subsequent step or future steps should be. An instance of a low-stakes battle may be leaving soiled dishes on the counter or listening to the TV at a loud volume whereas the other individual is trying to check for a test. Whether it’s a general “I’m so sorry for my position in this situation” response or an apology for something explicit that you did or said, apologies are important.
” This approach not only shows respect but additionally opens the door to a extra meaningful dialog. Identify the underlying issues or experiences that contribute to an emotional shutdown to know the basis cause. This may be the outcomes of unsolved disputes or previous tragedies. When somebody withdraws from a conversation, limits their participation, or avoids significant interplay throughout a discussion, this is referred to as conversational disengagement. Despite the seemingly intentional and aggressive nature of stonewalling, it’s crucial to grasp that it’s regularly employed by people grappling with powerlessness or low self-esteem.
If you may have began to recognize defensiveness in yourself, you may be wondering why it began, what caused it, and what may be underlying it. If you’re on the lookout for counselling or psychotherapy, please book a session on-line using our calendar. The second one acknowledges the concern and opens the door for connection. Before we dive into the “how to fix it” half, let’s discuss why defensiveness even reveals up within the first place. Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes and never know everything – what issues is your willingness to study and enhance. Embrace challenges and see them as steps towards becoming a better version of yourself.
If Amy says something that makes Mike feel like she believes he did it on purpose to harm her, upset her boyfriend, or something along those traces, Mike may very well get defensive. But when you inform them that you are certain they did what they did because they have been attempting to assist – or something equally optimistic – they’ll get much less defensive and offended. And it becomes impossible that we’ll admit that there could be something to what the other particular person is saying. Before I share that method, though, we have to take a minute to talk about why people are probably to get defensive. A way that will assist us not simply diffuse or cut back that defensiveness – however that may even move the dialog in a a lot more productive path.
This process isn’t about ignoring your emotions but about managing them intelligently. It’s about turning into a simpler communicator, a more receptive companion in dialogue, and finally, a more resilient individual. They are questioned by a parent about why they got here home late. Instead of explaining the scenario, the teenager retorts with “Why do you all the time assume I’m as a lot as no good? It’s time to decrease your guards and foster a space the place dialogue trumps dispute, understanding eclipses ego, and connection conquers battle.
Swearing or utilizing aggressive language during a battle is a common downside that can negatively impression a relationship. How you communicate together with your partner can affect how they perceive you and determine the relationship’s success. In any context (including that of building a new park), it’s essential to avoid these fallacies in order to make a strong, persuasive argument. By staying centered on the information and avoiding personal attacks or misrepresentations, you can reveal the value of your proposal in a clear and compelling way.
A young skilled fighting office conflicts sought nervousness therapy. Through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), they learned to handle their emotional responses and tackle challenges immediately. Persistent deflecting behavior can harm private and professional relationships. Remember, the aim is to not turn into impervious to criticism but to have interaction with it in a method that serves you.
You could begin by saying one thing like, “I used to think that kale was only a ornament on my plate at eating places. But then I tried it and realized it’s actually a vegetable.” This can get a chuckle from the audience and help to make your point in a extra relatable way. From there, you would go on to discuss the benefits of incorporating more fruits and vegetables into one’s food regimen. Once you’ve ready and structured your argument, the subsequent step is to present it in a method that engages the audience and successfully communicates your message. Making amends, when acceptable, is a proactive step towards repairing the relationship.
Stonewalling, or emotional Shutdown, is among the “Four Horsemen” that may foretell relationship failure, based on renowned psychologist and relationship specialist John Gottman. Has there ever been a day when your heart needed to hide and curl up? When everything round you feels too noisy, demanding, or overpowering, all you want to do is cover away.
They may still be defensive at instances, but it’s extra more probably to come out when they’re attacked head on, quite than merely criticized. Avoidant communication in conflict is a protecting mechanism many companions use to protect themselves from vulnerability. Most individuals assume this conduct means avoidant individuals don’t care, but these patterns stem from attachment fears, not an absence of affection. These methods don’t just repair surface-level problems—they rewire the finest way you method and experience communication.
One individual is trying to say one thing important, however it lands as criticism as a substitute of constructive, loving feedback, which then causes the opposite person to really feel attacked and blamed. This causes the other person to really feel unheard and intensify the original level (but the pattern escalates when every particular person turns into more and more crucial and defensive). “I” statements work greatest when paired with other communication methods.
What do a medieval fortress, a balled-up porcupine, and a linebacker have in common? And when we people are confronted with criticism, we also prepared the drawbridge, project a ball of spines, or prepare for the tackle. Getting defensive helps us protect our character and our sense of competence. Learn to be comfy in the uncomfortable and who knows, you may discover your relationship is stronger than ever before. Being open, vulnerable, and constructive will better allow you to set the stage for something productive. Research helps clarify that it requires you to be in control of your feelings and to not strategy the dialog with hostility or aggression.
Whether it’s over whose turn it’s to take out the trash or something extra serious, conflicts are part of every relationship. But have you ever seen how shortly a simple disagreement can turn into a blame game? One minute you’re calmly speaking, and the next, you’re pointing fingers, feeling defensive, and wondering how issues escalated so fast. If you might be finding that other folks around you may be reacting in a defensive manner, it might be that your habits is triggering these defensive reactions. In that case, it’s necessary to recognize the good thing about approaching conditions as issues to be solved somewhat than arguments available. As you point out the issues in the other person to avoid feeling attacked, you finish up making the other person defensive as well.
Guarded habits can typically be applicable and even necessary in certain conditions. The secret is learning to discern when our defenses are serving to us and when they’re holding us again. As we work to beat defensiveness, we may discover ourselves grappling with emotions of vulnerability. It’s natural to feel uncovered once we lower our psychological defenses. However, this vulnerability isn’t a weak point, but rather a strength that enables for deeper connections and personal progress.
This mindset of extremities and the right/wrong way of thinking could make you’re feeling like you’re being attacked. The present examine investigated whether or not refined changes in language can affect the perceived impression of statements used to open a battle dialogue. As anticipated, individuals rated statements that contained I-language as having a decrease probability of evoking a defensive response in contrast with statements that contained you-language. This result’s in maintaining with earlier findings that report a superiority of I-language over you-language for conflict communication (Bieson, Schooler Focusing on mutual understanding instead of control also can reduce defensiveness. You can categorical empathy by actively listening or repeating what the opposite person said.
The attack persists, as does the defense, and round and round you go. It can enable you to have a optimistic and constructive dialog. Emotionally wholesome individuals who grew up in stable properties tend to not have a knee-jerk defensive reaction to criticism.
By studying the ideas under, you’ll be able to learn to acknowledge and manage defensiveness to construct stronger, extra linked relationships. Getting defensive with associates, your boss, your companion, and yourself usually backfires. It pushes people away, makes us look immature, and sends a message that we’re unable to control our emotions. In the moment, getting defensive can really feel like the only method to deal with risk. But in the lengthy term, it undermines us and our relationships. Similar to mind-reading, that is when a defensive particular person talks badly about themselves and makes use of negative language, saying things like, “You’re right.